The First Step in Divorce: Sitting on the Fence
For Men Torn Between Staying and Leaving: The Real Work Begins with Honesty.
For years, I sat on the fence.
If you have ever been there, you know the feeling. You wake up every day with the same question running through your mind. Should I stay, or should I go? You play out every version of the story, hoping that clarity will show up one morning. It never does.
Looking back, I realize I was not stuck because I did not know what to do. I was stuck because I was afraid of what the truth would mean. I was afraid of letting people down. I was afraid of becoming the man I swore I would never be.
The Weight of History
My parents divorced when I was five. I do not remember everything, but I remember the fighting. I remember hiding in a laundry basket while they yelled at each other. That image stayed with me. It became the reason I promised myself that my kids would never have to experience that kind of fear.
So when my marriage began to crumble, shame took over. I had been with my ex-wife for seventeen years, married for fifteen. We had two children, a ten-year-old daughter and an eight-year-old son. I wanted them to have what I never did: a stable home, laughter, and peace.
But the truth is, love was not enough anymore. My ex-wife was an alcoholic. I was focused on growth and forward motion, while she seemed to be slipping further away. For years, I convinced myself that if I just worked harder, loved her more, or found the right words, I could fix it. That was the co-dependent side of me. I defined my worth by whether I could hold everything together. I was trying to control the uncontrollable, thinking that if I just tried harder, she would change and we would be okay.
That mindset kept me stuck. It made me believe that leaving meant failure, when in truth, I had already done everything I could.
There is no perfect time to make a decision like that. There is no right day on the calendar. My moment came on December 24, 2016. We were traveling for the holidays, and something inside me finally broke. I made the decision to leave. It was not a calm or well-planned moment. It was emotional, painful, and full of shame. My daughter’s birthday was just a few days later, on December 28. She was turning eleven. It took her years to forgive me for how that unfolded.
It took me years to forgive myself too.
The Truth About the Fence
When you are living on the fence, you tell yourself that staying undecided keeps the peace. In reality, it keeps everyone in pain. You are not protecting your family by avoiding a decision. You are only stretching out the suffering.
If your marriage still has life left in it, you owe it to yourself and your family to fight for it with honesty and effort. But fight from a place of truth, not fear. If both of you are still willing to grow, communicate, and take responsibility, there is still hope.
If you are the only one fighting, or if the relationship has become toxic or unsafe, then the bravest thing you can do may be to end it. There is no good time. There is only the right time.
A Process for Clarity
When I work with men who are stuck in this decision, I encourage them to slow down and do three things.
Tell yourself the truth.
Write down what is really happening in your marriage. What is working? What is not? What have you already tried to fix? When you see it on paper, the truth becomes clearer.Face your fears.
Ask yourself what you are afraid of losing if you stay and what you are afraid of losing if you leave. Fear is often what keeps men trapped.Get outside perspective.
Find one person who will listen without judging or trying to fix it. A therapist, coach, or trusted friend. You do not need advice right now. You need space to think clearly.
The goal is not to rush the decision, but to make it from clarity rather than emotion.
Forgiveness and Forward Motion
Looking back, I can see that my choice to end the marriage came from both pain and exhaustion. It was selfish in the moment, but it was also the beginning of my healing. I have forgiven myself, and my daughter has too. She is almost nineteen now, and we talk openly about those years.
If you are sitting on the fence, I want you to know this: you are not weak for struggling to decide. You are human. But the longer you stay undecided, the heavier it becomes.
Whatever you choose, choose it with honesty. Stay if there is still real love and mutual effort. Leave if you have reached the end and you know it in your gut.
Either way, clarity is what brings peace. And peace is what allows you to rebuild your life with strength, purpose, and integrity.
If this story hit close to home, take a few minutes to reflect before reacting. Write down what is real, what is fear, and what you are pretending not to see. Then, when you are ready, join the conversation with other men who are walking through the same decision inside The Men’s Divorce Circle.
