What Two Divorces Taught Me About Finding Yourself Again
Choosing Reflection Over Rebound, and Growth Over Escape
I have been divorced twice.
My second divorce was finalized in January 2026. Instead of staying put and trying to white-knuckle my way through the aftermath, I got on a plane. I committed to a three-month trip through Portugal and Spain. No escape fantasy. No victory lap. Just space. Distance. Time.
I needed it.
Somewhere between being a husband, a father, a provider, and a professional, I had lost myself. Not dramatically. Quietly. One compromise at a time.
This trip was not about running from pain. It was about finally turning toward it.
Choosing Inward Over Numbing Out
After a divorce, many of us do the same things. We rush into the next relationship. We drink more than we should. We stay busy enough that we do not have to feel anything.
I have done some of that before. It never worked.
This time, I made a different choice. I decided not to chase another partner. Not to numb. Not to distract. I decided to look inward.
That choice was uncomfortable. It was also necessary.
Why I Chose Co-Living in Portugal
When I arrived in Portugal, I moved into a co-living space. Shared kitchens. Shared workspaces. Long conversations with strangers who quickly stopped feeling like strangers.
My housemates came from Germany, Switzerland, the Netherlands, Pakistan, France, Italy, Portugal, Canada, and the UK.
Different languages. Different cultures. Different life stories.
What we shared was curiosity. Openness. A willingness to be honest about who we were and who we were becoming.
Living this way cracked something open in me. When you sit at a dinner table with people who see you only as you are today, not who you used to be, something shifts. You stop performing. You stop defending. You start listening.
That version of me, the one that had been missing for years, started to reappear.
Solo Travel and Sitting With Yourself
In between co-living chapters, I traveled alone. Seville was the first stop. Long walks. No agenda. No one to impress.
More travel is coming. Madrid. Gibraltar. Morocco.
Solo travel has a way of stripping things down. There is no one to hide behind. No familiar routine to cling to. You either sit by yourself or keep moving.
I chose to sit.
That is where the real work happened.
What Divorce Actually Took From Me
Divorce did not just end marriages. It challenged my identity. It forced me to ask hard questions about patterns, choices, and blind spots.
It also gave me clarity.
I saw how easy it is for men to lose themselves while doing everything they think they are supposed to do. I saw how little space most of us are given to slow down and reflect until something breaks.
I do not believe divorce is the end of the story. I believe it is a turning point. What you do next determines everything.
Learning Instead of Escaping
Travel gave me perspective. Living with people from around the world gave me humility. Silence gave me answers I could not hear before.
It also gave me direction.
I have decided to go back to graduate school for mental health counseling. Not as a pivot away from my past work, but as a deepening of it. I want to support men at a level that goes beyond advice and motivation. Men need space to unpack, rebuild, and reconnect with themselves in a grounded way.
I know this because I needed it.
A Different Invitation After Divorce
If you are recently divorced or deep in the process, here is what I will offer, plainly.
Do not rush to replace what ended.
Do not numb what hurts.
Do not confuse movement with healing.
Give yourself permission to pause.
Explore something unfamiliar.
Travel if you can. Reflect wherever you are.
Learn something new. About the world. About yourself.
The goal is not to become someone else.
The goal is to return to yourself, wiser and more honest than before.
That is what this season has been for me.
And for the first time in a long time, I feel like I am exactly where I am supposed to be.